


Kiddo

by HerbertBest



Category: Ninja Sex Party (Band)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Baby Fic, Baby on Doorstep, Gen, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22009060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerbertBest/pseuds/HerbertBest
Summary: A baby lands on Brian and Danny's doorstep.Unfortunately, it's not a Superman kinda situation.
Relationships: Danny Sexbang/Original Female Characters
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

“Ninja Brian, have you been doing your crying baby impression?” Danny Sexbang asked as he entered the room, fresh from the shower.

Ninja Brian, his expression as always unchanged, held up the person who was making such a fuss – an infant, small, in a blue blanket with a note pinned to it.

“Oh no,we’ve been Swee’pea’d!” said Danny. Brian narrowed his gaze, keeping his hands on the baby, holding it closer to his chest. “Don’t look at me, Brian. You know we have no capacity for infant care!”

Brian responded by handing the baby to Danny. 

“Brian…Brian this is no time to go into a meditative coma!” But he did. “Oh damn it.”

*** 

Danny resisted looking at the note. It was more important to keep the baby from crying. But once it was sleeping he gently plucked the note from the blanket.

Cold dread ran down his spine.

_Danny,_ read the note,

_This is our baby from that unforgettable night in the peanut butter orgy pile. She’s definitely your child, and the documents Brian has will prove it. I’m sorry but I don’t have the money or patience to raise a magical ninja child. You both have the experience to guide her. Please keep an eye on her._

_Love,  
Carol_

“Carol…” Danny muttered. “Oh! Oh Shit! Bikini girl!” He stated at the baby, who began to stir and fuss. Then a very distinct smell filled the air. “Oh no,” he groaned.

It was time to change his first diaper.


	2. Chapter 2

Danny was fairly certain that his child was enormously gifted. No mere infant could totally wreck a diaper like that and still be happily giggling two minutes later.

He managed to get the girl cleaned and dressed – though he wasn’t entirely sure he’d gotten the diaper on right. As long as it didn’t fall off, he supposed all was ultimately well.

Danny took the baby with him into the relative calm of Brian’s Meditation and Boning Chamber. Hopefully the kid didn’t understand what she was looking at. Even Danny- with thousands of years of intergalactic sexual experience – was mystified by some of the sculptures.

He didn’t know who the dude with two dicks forever immortalized in plaster was, but he was jealous of him.

The baby made a querulous sound against Danny’s shoulder. He frowned at the noise and wondered how to soothe her. He’d never planned on this, but the universe, as always, had a tendency to laugh at him when he had contradictory ideas.

“Sleep,” he hummed against the top of her head, feeling curls tickle his nose. “Sleep,” he urged softly. And he began to feel her little chest rise and fall in an even rhythm. Her fist met her lips, and she sucked on it.

It was an adorable sight. Danny thought she was cuter than a unicorn in that moment. Perhaps even a space unicorn or a puppy with wings.

Or perhaps he was being too generous. 

Danny shook away the thought. No, his daughter was perfect!

His daughter, what a concept.

He sang to her for awhile as she drifted in and out of sleep – about knights and fair princesses. He was going to have to make some of the princesses in his stories redheads, he thought, playing with her curls. There wasn’t a speck of blonde, blue-eyed beauty in her. For better or for worse, she looked like Danny.

She could do worse, looking like him.

Danny fell asleep with the baby on his chest. By the time Ninja Brian emerged from his meditative coma, they were both out like lights.

It was a sight that even he found adorable.

And he only stabbed Danny very lightly in response to the sight.


	3. Chapter 3

“Ninja Brian, I am not buying a Snuggli.”

Brian didn’t bother to stop reading from his copy of _The Zen Guide to Unexpected Parenthood_. His response to Danny’s comment was to flip him the bird. 

“A fine argument,” Danny said, walking across the room and juggling the baby – whom they were going to have to give a name soon, he realized. “But no man in the history of the universe has ever looked cool in a Snuggli, therefore I refuse to wear one.”

Brian reached to his side and withdrew a buck knife – from behind him? From his side? Danny didn’t know – the ninja’s ways were always mysterious, and besides he totally didn’t care where Brian kept his gross knives. Probably, he decided, up his butt somewhere. The idea made him laugh out loud, and Brian stared at him, one eyebrow up.

“Never mind, Ninja Brian. We must ready ourselves for another attack against the Poop Demons!” he pointed toward their 1988 Toyota Carola – which totally counted as a steed, damn it. “To the supermarket!”

** 

There were so many options confronting Danny as he stood in the middle of the diaper aisle, trying to decide what would make the baby happiest. It was easy enough to guess her size (babies were totally small anyway, right?) but who knew about absorbency? Who knew about fit? What would work best? HOW?! 

Brian stood beside him, the baby in his arms, eyes scanning the shelves. Then he gestured toward the stocks with a lifting of his chin. The package levitated toward his eager fingertips.

In a trice, the package of diapers was tucked under Brian’s arm. “I will never know how you learned to do that. It’s spooky as shit.”

Brian just narrowed his eyes. And gently stroked the baby’s cheek with his free hand.

At least Ninja Brian liked his daughter, Danny thought as they approached the register. Normally he didn’t like any of the women he brought home. Danny laughed out loud at that joke, and Brian gave him a look askance.

Danny approached the register and placed a couple of hundred dollars on the counter. “Here you go, fair shopkeep! Keep the change!”

The shopkeeper was lying behind the counter, clutching a bullet wound. “Help me!” he gasped out. “Two guys came in before you…robbed the place.”

“Oh, we don’t need paper or plastic,” Danny said. “Our car is right outside.”

“Please,” he gasped. “No time to waste…”

“Thank you!” Danny said, carrying the diapers outside. To Ninja Brian he added, as police sirens echoed in the distance, “I think that guy was trying to flirt with me, Ninja Brian. Tragically, I remain the most rocking heterosexual on the planet, but perhaps this might benefit you. Babies are total dick magnets!”

Brian quickly shoved Danny into the path of a parking car. He was only slightly dented in the collision.


	4. Chapter 4

“Ninja Brian, did I make it with a particularly stacked robot last night, or did we pick up more alien robot babysitters during our last trip through the stratosphere?”

There were several fuzzy beings standing around the cradle, all of them making cooing noises. Danny raised an eyebrow and approached his daughter’s cradle very carefully. 

Ninja Brian glared at him. He was wearing bright pink deelyboppers and holding a small stuffed bear. Danny was smart enough not to fight him when he looked at him that way. The bear squeaked. Ninja Brian’s eyes bulged. 

“How was I supposed to know you’d invited over guest?” He gave them a smile. “Hello, Rssest’hgg. Reggie,” he said. The pink one snorted and green fluid filled its scuba gear head. They patted the baby, and Danny felt anxiety prod his stomach.

“Is it safe for them to touch the baby?” he asked Brian, who looked offended. “All right, fine, they’re not poisonous, it’s cool.”

There was a burbling sound and Danny felt a level of protectiveness he’d never felt before in his entire life. Was this love? Was it gas? Was he hemorrhaging internally and about to cough up his own organs?

He burped. Oh.

The baby made soft, contented sounds as Danny walked her across the floor a few hours later. In spite of himself, he was starting to get used to this dad gig.

God, it was a gamble and a risk, but he was starting to grow accustomed to her.


End file.
